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9 July, 2005
A Columnist's Travelogue

I’ve written my column in many places. My mom’s office at work. My aunt’s “ranch” with no animals outside Ottawa. A graduate students’ lounge at the University of Alberta while my friends wait for me to finish so we can go dancing. But this really takes the cake.

Yesterday, I got the voicemail from my editor reminding me that my column was due for July 9. No problem, I thought. I may be on vacation in Bettendorf, Iowa, but I can just use the hotel’s in-room internet. So I left my column until the last minute.

Later, at 1 a.m., I activated the internet on my hotel TV. It was slow, but functional. So, I thought, I’ve reached a new high for writing my column in weird places: sitting on a bed in a hotel room typing on a big TV screen.

I typed most of a column. Then the screen went back to “Accessing interactive services”. I lost everything I wrote. I stood up, paced around, and left a voicemail for my editor saying things were bad.

In the morning I called around for an internet café. The Quad Cities don’t have one. Panic set in. I called the front desk. They said the only internet café the Quad Cities had closed down. I said, “Well, I’m in trouble then.” So they offered me the computer behind the front desk.

I am now behind the front desk of a Bettendorf hotel, typing away as hotel staff bustle around me, taking calls, making copies, doing hotel staff things, and ignoring me. But I can’t ignore the sticky note stuck to the desk that says “Please sign + return to Paul”.

Hold on, I’ve got to do something here.

There. I just signed the desk. But how can I get it to Paul?

Anyway, here’s another glimpse into the exciting life of a freelance writer. Or another pothole in the highway of our road trip. It’s been, well, challenging.

First, the car rental company gave us a car without cruise control. That was the whole reason I rented a car. So, when we returned to the rental place, they bumped us up one car class for free. That was nice. Until we crossed the American border and noticed the speedometer doesn’t have miles-per-hour. I’ve learned to multiply by 1.6 very quickly.

Here’s some other lowlights of the trip so far:

The movie Fargo was interesting. The city is not.

Highways in Iowa all have more than one numbered name, and have incorrect directions on the signs. So, when you’re driving east on the 20, you’re actually driving south on the 27. That was mildly frustrating. (All numbers changed to protect the innocent.)

We ordered a beer sampler (six tiny glasses) at a local brew pub in Rock Island, Illinois. We liked the coffee beer, so we ordered the only take-out option to bring to my friend’s house. We received the bill. $40. The take- out “growler” was $10 of beer and $25 of bottle. We cancelled that order.

But the best glitches have been here in the hotel. My wife laughed when she first saw the complimentary soaps and lotions. They’re cucumber melon, the two foods I dislike the most. Lovely.

Finally, right before I came down to type this for you all, I had to flush the toilet. But it didn’t flush. It just swirled. I tried and tried, but I was doomed to be embarrassed. So, with the lid down, my wife tried it. It flushed perfectly. Doesn’t that just say it all?

I can’t wait for the trip home.

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