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13 August, 2005
Premier Klein Warns of Supernatural Terrorism

At this year’s Edmonton Folk Festival, two women exchanged vows and got married. Now, I know same-sex marriage scares a lot of people. But last month our Premier alerted us to a far greater peril.

On July 12, 2005, CBC.ca reported that, while Albertans are now free to marry who they choose, Ralph Klein said, "Cultural beliefs or values, whether religious or non-religious, will be free to express opposition to the change to the traditional definition of marriage and will not be required to advocate, teach or promote about marriage in a way that conflicts with their beliefs."

So, according to Mr. Klein, cultural beliefs and values themselves will be free to express opposition. This means that, finally freed from the tyrannical bonds of silence that logic and physics have imposed on them, the abstract concepts of “beliefs” and “values” now have the ability to coalesce and communicate their own essences. No longer will they need a physical vehicle like a human being or a placard to speak or display their messages.

We owe our premier a debt of gratitude. Thank you, Mr. Klein, for bravely flouting the majority's insistence on coherent speech to warn us about this new approach of terror!

What will be the insidious consequences of this new threat? How will “beliefs” and “values” overcome the challenges presented by sense and physical reality?

Perhaps they will just jump into our heads. Maybe they will perch in trees like invisible buckets of nefarious water, waiting for an unsuspecting host to meander under them so they can fall on their unsuspecting heads and turn them into cold sheep-like followers. Will beliefs and values ride the wind, slamming into our minds via our noses as we vacation in the Rockies? The possibilities are endless!

To fight this new threat to democracy, we must be defensive. This means we must stop up our noses and ears with wax and breathe through filtered masks. We must avoid walking under trees. Actually, we must avoid going under anything from which a value or a belief could assail us. This includes bridges, arches, ledges, trees, shelves, and aircraft.

In fact, since these beliefs and values are merely abstract non-physical ideas, they can probably ride clouds, so avoid clouds at all costs! Also, when you feel the slightest breeze, a belief or value could be permeating your very skin, so hit the ground fast! Of course, always wear very thick clothing, too.

In this age of informational terrorism, we have ways of recognizing our allies and our enemies. Our enemies will be flagrantly speaking aloud, walking freely through the world as if nothing is wrong. They will be making themselves vulnerable to just any idea, no matter how much that idea may change them and their lives. They will be opening their mouths to speak to each other and to the world. They will be traveling in other nations, where hostile foreign values and beliefs may infect them to be brought back to our pristine homeland. They will be reveling in the feeling of winds of change on their skin. Beware those enemies of the state!

Of course, we can recognize each other as friends as well. Take heart when you see someone with wax in their nostrils and ears, wearing a surgical mask and clothing too heavy for the weather, taking great detours to avoid walking under anything, screaming and throwing themselves to the ground at the first sign of wind. Those will be the sensible people who are standing up (or lying down, depending on the weather) for what's right.

Soldier on!

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